Gaslighting is a manipulative tactic in which someone seeks to gain power over another by making them question their own reality, memory, or perceptions. According to a survey conducted by the National Domestic Violence Hotline, when asked, “Do you think your partner or ex-partner has ever deliberately done things to make you feel like you are going crazy or losing your mind?” 73.8% of respondents answered “yes.” In the same survey, 85.7% of respondents answered yes to the question, “Has your partner or ex-partner ever called you ‘crazy’ or accused you of being ‘crazy’?” Through repeated denial, misdirection, contradiction, and misinformation, the gaslighter destabilizes their victim’s sense of reality, leading to severe emotional and psychological distress.
The Four Most Common Signs of Gaslighting:
In a study published in 2023, researchers found that the most common patterns of behavior found in romantic relationships where there is gaslighting are love-bombing, survivor isolation, perpetrator unpredictability, and cold shouldering.
- Love-bombing is characterized by excessively intense affection and attention early in a relationship. Examples of love-bombing can include declarations of love, exaggerated compliments, and lavish gifts. For gaslighters, love-bombing can mask their future abuse and make their victims feel like they have an obligation to continue the relationship. Love-bombing can be mistaken for the “honeymoon period” of a relationship, but typically when gaslighting is occurring, the affection shown will be especially excessive.
- Gaslighters isolate their target by undermining their relationships with family, friends, and social circles. Often they will make disparaging comments about their victim’s closest circle of trusted friends and family. As victims begin to doubt these relationships, they become more dependent on the gaslighter and more distant from others. This isolation can prevent victims from seeking advice and can cause them to lose their sense of self.
- Gaslighters can often display unpredictable behavior and emotions. They can fluctuate from extremely loving to extremely distant very quickly and without notice. One participant in the study described this behavior in their former relationship, saying, “She stopped talking to me out of nowhere [sic] with no explanation after we had spent a very intimate night/day together a couple months into the relationship…She would continuously pop in and out of my life, expecting me to be okay with this and serve her needs.”
- In relationships with a gaslighter, cold shouldering occurs when the perpetrator refuses to display emotion towards their partner or communicate with their partner as a means of “punishment.” Victims of cold shouldering often believe they need to change their own behavior, leading them to become unnecessarily apologetic.
Gaslighters also can insult, accuse, and blame their victims. Their insults can range from attacking their victim’s physical appearance, to their mental capacity and their personality quirks. The goal of these insults is to break down their victim’s confidence and induce further dependency. Gaslighters will often make baseless accusations and blame their victims for things they didn’t do, but regardless of their accuracy, these attacks can make victims doubt themselves and become confused.
Who Turns into a Gaslighter?
In a 2023 study, researchers explored what kind of personality traits drove people to become gaslighters.
- The study found that all four personality traits in the “Dark Tetrad” (narcissism, Machiavellianism, psychopathy, and sadism) had a “positive correlation” with the adoption of gaslighting tactics in relationships. People who exhibit these personality traits tend to be more aggressive and controlling in their intimate relationships. Of the four traits, narcissism had the weakest ties to gaslighting, while sadism stood out with the strongest ties to gaslighting. The study also found that primary psychopathy (characterized by callousness and emotional detachment) was more connected to gaslighting tactics than secondary psychopathy (characterized by impulsivity and high emotionality).
- There is also a difference between genders. Overall, men in the study found gaslighting tactics more acceptable in relationships than women did, especially those men with vulnerable narcissism, marked by feelings of inadequacy and hypersensitivity to rejection. The researchers suggest that this finding supports the notion that men and women “engage in different forms of relational abuse.”
Training in deception detection can significantly increase your ability to spot lies and avoid becoming a victim of gaslighting. Expert Pamela Meyer offers online courses and live workshops designed to help you better protect yourself from deceit. You can take her masterclass Deception Detection: Interviewing and Getting to the Truth today.
Here are some specific skills you can learn through Pamela’s deception detection training:
- Identifying Gaslighting Tactics: Recognize common strategies gaslighters use, such as denying reality, manipulating facts, and projecting blame.
- Reading Non-Verbal Cues: Learn how to detect subtle signs of deceit in body language and facial expressions, which are often used by gaslighters.
- Enhancing Critical Thinking: Develop the ability to critically assess statements and actions, helping you to question and resist manipulative narratives.
- Building Emotional Resilience: Gain tools to strengthen your emotional defenses, making it harder for gaslighters to undermine your confidence and sense of reality.
